I know that you all know that dear ol' Wendy died early last summer. But I realized yesterday how very "gone" she is. Wendy isn't just gone from my life, she's gone from my mind.
As someone with SDAM (Severely deficient autobiographical memory - yes, that's a thing) I have no pictures in my head and no memories to replay.
While walking with Sooki and Dexter the other day I realized that I couldn't visualize Wendy. I couldn't imagine her walking behind me. I could not "see" her face. I didn't really miss her.
I've owned Mini Schnauzers before; Chandler and Fletcher. When I thought HARD I realized I had NO memories of either of them. Nothing. Nada. Zippo. Zilch.
I liked life better before I realized all this.
Being retired I'm not busy as I was when life was a frantic juggle of work and child care and getting home at lunch to let the dogs out and rushing home after work to make dinner and walk the dogs. There was little time for reflection.
But now there is.
I realized on that recent walk that one day I will not be able to bring Sooki to mind. I won't remember her habits. I won't remember how she tries to climb onto my lap as if she is a tiny thing who can curl up there without crushing my legs under her weight. I won't recall how she loves to burrow under the blankets with me a night. Her sweet nature and her kind heart and wiggly bum will be lost to me.
I want to remember good times with my parents and family ... I know I had them ... but I recall none of them.
Today FaceBook posted a video from three years ago of Trey chasing a toy in a field near me. Trey died two months after that video was made. I was furious at FB for inflicting that memory on me!
Is that what it is like in your head ?
You cannot choose to have just the good memories flooding back but the traumatic and sad ones pour in too ? Unbidden ? How do you cope ?
I look through photos and remember things I did but those things only exist in the photos. I cannot expand on them in my head.
I would love to see my parents in my mind's eye but would it hurt ? Would I miss them far more than I do ? Are the memories worth the remembered loss ?
When Wendy's death was still fresh I made memorial stones for her and put them in places where we walked to help me remember. I remember that I loved her and she was a super good dog. But in my heart of hearts, I do not remember Wendy.
And I think that makes me sad; but I wonder if I'd be even sadder if I did ?
Don't the Buddhists say we should all live in The Eternal Now? You do, perhaps more than other people, and that's okay.
ReplyDeleteWell I guess is am in the Eternal Now all the time and wish I could reconcile myself to that.
DeleteThanks Debra.
As you know, I have the same problem. The only thing I can think to say is that we do remember our loved ones and how dear they were to us....even if we cannot bring a picture to our mind. We may not have specific memories, but we do remember. I think that's why some people write and/or take photographs...aids to help us.
ReplyDeleteMy dad had such a distinctive BBC News voice but I cannot hear it in my head. And his laugh ... well you can guess how loud that was. Do you wonder what memories would feel like ? Whether they'd be overwhelming ? or comforting ?
DeleteIt's so hard for me to imagine what this must be like for you, Sybil. It must be awful, especially when you're feeling reflective. Most of us can remember some images but even these seem to fade with time. The workings of our brains are so mysterious. I like what Debra said. I had to live in the eternal now when my father lost his short-term memory. (Kind of the opposite of your predicament.) He could never remember what he had for breakfast or that I had arrived to visit him hours ago. After all is said and done, all we really have is right here, right now.
ReplyDeleteThe here and now IS all that we really have ... except that who we are is the result of our experiences and our genes. So I feel like I only have half an understanding ...
DeleteI wish Blogspot had a "like" button, so you would have known I've visited here the day you added this posy Sybil. It was five years that day - the 18th here in Australia - since Tess had left me. I couldn't comment that day. I was struggling to hold it together every time I thought of her. After a period of time, even a person without SDAM can struggle to conjure the face of a lost loved one in their mind's eye. And when you do, yes, it hurts to "see" them and know they can't be touched. But in answer to one of your questions, I believe the memories ARE worth holding onto. Watch the videos, look through the photos, and remember the love you once had. You have to "feel" to survive. xxx
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely response Joanne. Folk seem to be having trouble with my Blogspot and can't even leave a comment which frustrates me no end. I think your memories sound quite overwhelming and am not sure if I'd want such sad memories.
DeleteAnd two typos in the first sentence - should read - I wish Blogspot had a "like" button, so you would have known I'd visited here the day you added this post Sybil.
ReplyDeleteNo worries hon, I knew what you were saying. Hey, how is the weather in your area ? I'm hearing of floods in some areas and terrible droughts in others. Climate change is very alarming ...
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