I know that you all know that dear ol' Wendy died early last summer. But I realized yesterday how very "gone" she is. Wendy isn't just gone from my life, she's gone from my mind.
As someone with SDAM (Severely deficient autobiographical memory - yes, that's a thing) I have no pictures in my head and no memories to replay.
While walking with Sooki and Dexter the other day I realized that I couldn't visualize Wendy. I couldn't imagine her walking behind me. I could not "see" her face. I didn't really miss her.
I've owned Mini Schnauzers before; Chandler and Fletcher. When I thought HARD I realized I had NO memories of either of them. Nothing. Nada. Zippo. Zilch.
I liked life better before I realized all this.
Being retired I'm not busy as I was when life was a frantic juggle of work and child care and getting home at lunch to let the dogs out and rushing home after work to make dinner and walk the dogs. There was little time for reflection.
But now there is.
I realized on that recent walk that one day I will not be able to bring Sooki to mind. I won't remember her habits. I won't remember how she tries to climb onto my lap as if she is a tiny thing who can curl up there without crushing my legs under her weight. I won't recall how she loves to burrow under the blankets with me a night. Her sweet nature and her kind heart and wiggly bum will be lost to me.
I want to remember good times with my parents and family ... I know I had them ... but I recall none of them.
Today FaceBook posted a video from three years ago of Trey chasing a toy in a field near me. Trey died two months after that video was made. I was furious at FB for inflicting that memory on me!
Is that what it is like in your head ?
You cannot choose to have just the good memories flooding back but the traumatic and sad ones pour in too ? Unbidden ? How do you cope ?
I look through photos and remember things I did but those things only exist in the photos. I cannot expand on them in my head.
I would love to see my parents in my mind's eye but would it hurt ? Would I miss them far more than I do ? Are the memories worth the remembered loss ?
When Wendy's death was still fresh I made memorial stones for her and put them in places where we walked to help me remember. I remember that I loved her and she was a super good dog. But in my heart of hearts, I do not remember Wendy.
And I think that makes me sad; but I wonder if I'd be even sadder if I did ?