I guess it's time for a new header image ...

It's been a while.

I think I've mentioned before that because I post a lot to Facebook that seems to meet my need to keep in touch with friends and family near and far; but it doesn't really, coz not all of them are on Facebook.

When finally I do think about creating a blog post, I feel overwhelmed as so much has happened.

So very much has happened.

Butters, Roswell and Charlotte.

I began the New Year with four cats and two dogs.  Today I have one cat and two dogs; and one of those dogs is not the same as before.

Sooki, Wendy, Butters and Charlotte.

The precis version:  Roswell (died from a collapsed lung), Charlotte went to live with Kait, Butters (died from complications from diabetes) and my dear, dear Wendy (died from bone cancer).

My beloved Wendy.

Sorry to lay all that on you in one lump, but it is what it is.

My wonderful Wendy.

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I have never however been known for my practicality, and hence by summer's end a new pup entered our household.

His name is Dexter and he has fit right in...

Clara, Dexter and Sooki.

... but I still miss Wendy.

I have left memory stones at places we used to walk.

A hole where a cat used to be.

Where did the "Rainbow Bridge" concept  appear from ?   When someone's companion animal dies they say it crosses the Rainbow Bridge and will be waiting for their human when they die.

If the Rainbow Bridge exists, will the calves and chickens and pigs we have eaten be waiting for us too, but with a less welcoming demeanor than our beloved pets ?

I ask because this afternoon I took dear old Roswell to the vet and only one of us returned home.  

Snoozing three days ago in front of the fire

Over the last few days Roswell showed obvious signs of having difficulty getting enough air into his lungs.  His thin sides heaved from the effort.

The vet listened to his heart and lungs, informed me he was in heart failure and said "It's time".

I suspected when I went that that would be the outcome, but part of me hoped...  

It's at times like this that you realize what a painful thing love can be.  That silly sweet pain in the ass cat had no idea that as I held him and stroked him in his fuzzy blanket that he was about to die.  I stroked him and cried quiet tears.  My head still aches from those tears and tears.  At the time I could see how he fought to breathe -- and then he didn't. It's rare to see the reality of death.  Here now.  Now gone.  GONE not to be called back by all the love in the world. Comforting words spoken.  "Just sleep sweetie.  Just go to sleep".   Then wishing those eyes would open and gaze upon you one more time but knowing that you would not wish him back into this realm the way he was.  

Yup.   Love hurts.

Still ...

I missed his shrill "meow" as I walked back in the door; tonight I'll miss his nudges as he demands I lift the bed sheets so that he can track his litter covered paws into my bed and I'll miss his painful snaggle tooth scraping across my cheek asking for attention.

I know Roswell is out of pain and he didn't suffer fear about death.  That is left to me.  To wonder where my little friend is now and where I will go when it is my turn.

And if we will see each other again.

What do you think ?

You just never know ...

Recently I've gotten into Geocaching.  Have you heart of it ?   It involves a grownup (me), looking for hidden "caches"  using a GPS.   "Where are the geocaches?", you ask.  

Below is a map of the area near where I live.  Each of those icons is a hidden cache.  The nearest one to me turned out to be about 200 m from my front door !   BTW those four happy faces near the centre of the map are four that I have found.   Wherever you live, I can guarantee that there are caches nearby.

 That's it.  That's about all there is to it.  Geocaching is an excuse to explore places with fresh eyes and a challenge to see how many caches you can find.  Most caches include a log book for you to sign and even if they didn't you can always log your find on the Geocaching.com web site.

Last week I went to Lunenburg to have lunch with some chums there.  I figured I'd also look for some caches while I was there.

One of them was hidden in an old rotted tree in the cemetery next to the Lunenburg Academy.

The cache in the tree.  Pretty small eh ?

However, sometimes what you find is not what you're looking for ...

While exploring the cemetery I was attracted to this pretty plot and was surprised by the sad message it contained on the two plaques.

Sophia's tragic story brought me up short...

WOW.

Sophia, I am so sorry.  I truly hope that you did find your reward in Heaven; but I wish you'd had a full and wonderful life first.  I also wish I could travel back in time and smack your mother and give you a hug.

Sybil

Take two dogs and call me in the morning ...

I've been feeling a tad glum lately.

No good reason.  First World problems or perceived problems ...or a slight drop in some level of chemical in my brain.

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I cannot imagine what life is like for someone who daily suffers from the draining, bleakness of crippling, depression.

Why do we feel we must be happy all the time ?   If we did feel happy all the time, would we need more and more "happy" to keep feeling the same level of happiness ?

Do our sad times help us to appreciate the happy times ?

 When I feel "blue", I don't feel motivated to do anything, and I know that that lack of motivation then feeds on itself.   I become more tired and feel less motivated to get outside : to DO anything.

BUT the dogs need to go for walks ... and so we head out into the fog.

and we go for a walk and I take the photos that you see on this page today.

I get outside of my head for a bit.

I look at droplets,

and flowers,

and flowers with insects on them.

I wander along the rocks, occasionally looking at interesting sticks, or shells, or rusted bits of detritus.

And of course I throw the ball for Wendy -- my GOOD "black dog".

And I watch as Sooki stands chest deep in the water, considering whether she should swim out to catch that Seagull that bobs so far off-shore.

And I smile.

Time to head home and play with Trey in the yard.

Then I'll sit down and share all this with you, and ask you how you cope when you feel sad ?

Caught in the undertow.

A dear friend contacted me recently to let me know that her beloved adult daughter, Lisa, had quite suddenly taken her own life.

I cannot find the right words.
Instead I will share this poem, written by Lisa's cousin.

She was sad in a sea of love, and the undertow was very strong.

May the sparkle of the sand remind us of the love she had in her heart.

May the tides calm her as they carry her to the other shore.

And her mom shared this moving piece.

No one knew the torment,

that you were going through;

We only kept on seeing

What we really wanted to.

We saw the outward smile,

but not your inner pain;

We never really dreamt

That you would never smile again.

Forgive us if we failed to see,

What we could do to aid;

Or, if we failed to comprehend,

How much you were afraid.

We pray your mental anguish,

Will now forever cease;

And that your deep anxieties,

Will be replaced by peace.

We know your pain invaded,

Every single thought you had'

It made you cry internally,

And deeply, deeply sad.

But we in turn remember,

The good times, not the bad;

We remember when you smiled at us,

And not when you were sad.

So when we think about your life,

We won't dwell upon its close;

We'll remember all the good times,

And forget about life's blows.

We'll remember all the happiness,

The joy and not the tears;

The assurance and the confidence,

And not irrational fears.

Our lives have all been better,

Because you have been there;

So now we leave your memory,

In God's all-loving care.

c2008  Dick Underwood

 

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I'm in a funk ...

I think we live so much inside our heads.  One day I can be ticking along feeling that life is good, then suddenly something flicks off the "happy-switch" and the world just doesn't look the way it did yesterday.

What flips that switch ?  Could be the minimal daylight, inability to garden, the approach of Christmas, or the massacre of a room full of children ?  Not sure.  Feeling glum.

Circular sad thoughts.

When you're feeling sad, the things that normally cheer you, don't anymore.

I'm hoping you're all feeling good, and immune to my woe-is-me post.   The last thing I want to do is bum you out and drag you into my funk.  But I just don't feel up to a cheerful, walking-the-dogs-life-is-jolly-post today.

What do you do when you find yourself feeling sad ?   When you loose your sense of meaning ?

When you're stuck in a funk ?